day 2

4/26/2011

Day 2 of the 21 day count of writing and applying self forgiveness

Today, I was on the internet most of the day.

Also today I fell asleep several times douring the day. My aim witch I need to do correction on is- to sleep only 4 to 6 hours every day no matter what so I can assist myself in my process by not allowing my mind to fully reprogram itself.

also today I experienced a little bit of depression.

I was at my mothers house today till like sun set. I was with my dog. And I thought a bit that, what if I was him. I mean, he shows no sence of superiority. He is vulnerable. And so I considered and contemplated this a bit several times today.

And so today mostly I was seeing desteni videos. Mainly of Bernard poolman. Also today I joined ‘netlog’ after someone (witch I don’t recall who) invited me.

So this was my day.

And so ive just desided, that in these 21 days im counting of writing every day and applying self forgiveness, I am also gona include not sleeping more than 6 hours every day. No matter what.

I forgive myself for not allowing myself to become who I really am as my true expression and instead suppress myself and force myself to become what others believe is normal.

I forgive myself for not allowing myself to stand equal as all life.

I forgivem myself for accepting and allowing myself to be the evil of this world.

commiting myself to stand

for people who read my blog, at this point i will be writing and working on points on the demonology.co.za forum. there are points witch i am not ready to publicly expose in facebook(even though since im letting you know you can just go to the demonology forum and see what i write).

also, i have commited myself to be consistent and today i didint feel like writing and doing self forgiveness but i still took the responsablility to do so, and i did in the demonology forum, and unfortunatley i lost my post, yet i will keep writing daily, and i'll write some stuff in this blog, but the shit im not willing to post on facebook i will post on the demonology.co.za forum.

ive been told before that i dont have to try to proove anything, but i want people to see that i am standing because i will, and yall can check it out.

also, i commit myself to count 21 days of writing and applying self forgiveness every day.
thats all.

today i decided to come to my mothers house and so i did. and i got here and she had told me on the phone she wouldent be here and she'd leave the door open. so i came in and was 'chillin' for a while and then i allowed myself to start watching porn and i masturbated several times.
this is fucking unacceptable, and i am taking for granted the time i have to do restitution and equalize myself to life.
i either start standing without falling all the time or i die.

update

4/24/2011

I watched a movie today called “jumper”, and I found myself reacting to this movie. And what was probably the biggest reaction I had was that after I saw that movie I had a strong desire to have a perfect life with a girl witch I thought was beautifull in every day and rock her world. It was overwhelming.

after the movie I was anxious and when into fear and/as anxiety.

and I wanted to deside to continue again to apply myself after stopping for like a week.

I was thinking that the starting point was fucked up. But I am here now and that is irrelevant because its just an excuse.

Im not shure how the fuck forgiveness is supposed to be born out of breath. I have to think about the self forgiveness quite a bit and focus a lot to get it through in what seems self honesty.

Yet that is also irrelevant.. or better said- secondary, because what Im seeing is that what matters most is to be consistent no matter what.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire having a girl so I can rock her world and fill my ego.

I stop my thoughts and focus on breath whenever I start thinking and feeling that I want to be in love with a girl who I think is beautifull in every way and I want to rock her world and be so satisfied through the thrill of romanticism. And if the point keeps coming up I simply keep on working on it.

For like a week I stopped applying myself. And some of the days I was drinking and smoking week and other drugs, and I also had sex several times and watched porn and masturbated and ate whatever when previously I was trying to not eat no sugar. And even today I considered and for some time desided to go to a persons house where I would have weed to smoke and beer to drink. I was there and had the beer in my hand and then desided – no, took a breath and moved out of there.

Its cool when I face desires and I feel/think im gona fall how I have two chices, I can transcend or mind fuck myself and timeloop.

I also became posesed in the last days by the point of writing rymes. I went to youtube and in the comments of the hip hop beats people very frequently leave their raps, .. I whent there I posted several verses of rymes talking shit to people and saying I that I was lyricly murdering them and fucking them up.

I have for some time now believed myself to be fascinated by how some rapers are making war with songs and shooting people and killing people through their songs. Also Bernard refered to this once when he said something like that- he was shooting ‘energetic bullets’. I have become really obsessed with this consept as I see I wana be able to do this myself and shoot people just so I can stroke my ego; because its just a way of keeping me busy. I need to delete this shit from my mind and get to the practical solution of equal money.

And so enough verbal diahrea.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to stop applying myself and do drugs and have sex and matrubate to porn and just fuck up like this. I will stand and I will push myself and I will apply myself with consistency everyday.

No excuse.

introducing myself

my name is hiram hernandez. i am currently walking the self purification process i specifically learned at desteni.co.za.. well walking as well as falling. one point that ive been working on latley(probably some weeks) has been the point of masturbation and porn, or, attatching pictures and certain defenitions and personalitys to my sexual expression. i have specially been trying to stand much more in the past like 4 days, as im consious that the point of self honest and trancendance is the point in witch i feel like the desire wants to consume me. that is the point in witch i must proove to myself that i will stand.

in the past days i have fallen. ive been falling then picking myself up again.
today i started my day waking up at the homeless shelter where im staying and waited there to take a shower and for the sun to come up. then i headed to the library and i got there like 20 minutes before the opening time and as i was waiting, i was consumed, or i allowed myself to be consumed by the desire to check out some porn sites. so i did and after some minutes i was completley fucking possesed by the arousal of the pictures.
after some minutes i went into the library and sat where no one can see my screen and i continued watching porn for probably an hour.
after a while i desided that i wanted to masturbate and i went into the restroom closest to where i was at with my labtop. but there was some guy in there who i guessed was also masturbating or something because i went in there and i waited probably more than 30 minutes and he was just there, and my guess was that we were both just waiting for the other to leave stubornly so we could masturbate comftarbly. after some time i desided to go to another restroom and i did and i masturbated to porn on my labtop there.

then i came out and shortly went back to watching porn for another while and then masturbated again.

then i desided it was enough and i whent to the demonology forum and wrote self forgiveness.
after a while i began to think positivly thinking that im being to hard on myself and i should take it easy and whent to the store and bought all the food i wanted with my foodstamps card and i sat outside and ate some of it.
as i was eating i was anxious and noticed i wasent even tasting the food. i was like eating to fuel my thoughts or something.

i went back to the library and then i saw a video of bernard poolman speaking about 'blogging for sponsorship" and i desided i would like to be sponsored as i would prefer to start the 'desteni i process' as soon as posible. and so i was creating a new email adress and recreating all my acounts with it as i fear continuing from my last blog because of what i exposed back then when i would pretty much just write to myself. obviously this will eventually be exposed most likely in this blog as i walk through it.

as i was recreating accounts and shit, i was fucking anxious and i got a rash on the top of my feet.

then it was close to the librarys closing time and i went outside and continued this recreating my acounts shit and after i finished i allowed myself to become possesed by desire to watch porn and i started watching porn again until my batery was low.
i desided to come to where i am currently witch is burger king, to recharge my computer and as i was walking overhere i was thinking about going to this persons house who i know is down to fuck. i was thinking of smoking weed and doing pills and maybe even drinking alcohol to enjoy the sex more.
and so here i am.




i will push and wont do that shit and i will make a stand again.