update

4/24/2011

I watched a movie today called “jumper”, and I found myself reacting to this movie. And what was probably the biggest reaction I had was that after I saw that movie I had a strong desire to have a perfect life with a girl witch I thought was beautifull in every day and rock her world. It was overwhelming.

after the movie I was anxious and when into fear and/as anxiety.

and I wanted to deside to continue again to apply myself after stopping for like a week.

I was thinking that the starting point was fucked up. But I am here now and that is irrelevant because its just an excuse.

Im not shure how the fuck forgiveness is supposed to be born out of breath. I have to think about the self forgiveness quite a bit and focus a lot to get it through in what seems self honesty.

Yet that is also irrelevant.. or better said- secondary, because what Im seeing is that what matters most is to be consistent no matter what.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire having a girl so I can rock her world and fill my ego.

I stop my thoughts and focus on breath whenever I start thinking and feeling that I want to be in love with a girl who I think is beautifull in every way and I want to rock her world and be so satisfied through the thrill of romanticism. And if the point keeps coming up I simply keep on working on it.

For like a week I stopped applying myself. And some of the days I was drinking and smoking week and other drugs, and I also had sex several times and watched porn and masturbated and ate whatever when previously I was trying to not eat no sugar. And even today I considered and for some time desided to go to a persons house where I would have weed to smoke and beer to drink. I was there and had the beer in my hand and then desided – no, took a breath and moved out of there.

Its cool when I face desires and I feel/think im gona fall how I have two chices, I can transcend or mind fuck myself and timeloop.

I also became posesed in the last days by the point of writing rymes. I went to youtube and in the comments of the hip hop beats people very frequently leave their raps, .. I whent there I posted several verses of rymes talking shit to people and saying I that I was lyricly murdering them and fucking them up.

I have for some time now believed myself to be fascinated by how some rapers are making war with songs and shooting people and killing people through their songs. Also Bernard refered to this once when he said something like that- he was shooting ‘energetic bullets’. I have become really obsessed with this consept as I see I wana be able to do this myself and shoot people just so I can stroke my ego; because its just a way of keeping me busy. I need to delete this shit from my mind and get to the practical solution of equal money.

And so enough verbal diahrea.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to stop applying myself and do drugs and have sex and matrubate to porn and just fuck up like this. I will stand and I will push myself and I will apply myself with consistency everyday.

No excuse.